Three Second Decree - Bite-Sized Blog

Testing....

2009-03-28T22:06:00.002-04:00

Considering dusting this thing off and giving it another try. More to come.

2008-09-07T18:47:00.001-04:00

So when I die, all my RSS feeds will go unread?

Bad Taste, Degree Omega

2006-08-28T22:34:00.000-04:00

More people to dislike intensely: those who get stickers "dedicating" their motor vehicle to deceased loved ones.

Word of the month

2006-08-10T23:46:00.000-04:00

Labradoodle.

Grading 4

2006-04-08T12:42:00.000-04:00

Notes from grading the Regent's Exam #4: The only two things more worrying about the number of students unreasonably attracted to the topic of teaching about contraceptives in Sex Ed classes is, first, how many students use it as an opportunity to rail against the very idea, and second, how poor a job they do at supporting their premise.

Grading 3

2006-04-08T12:37:00.000-04:00

Notes from grading the Regent's Exam #3: There are few things more heartbreaking than failing an earnest paper, written by an immigrant, about the hard work they've put into improving their English in order to advance the star-eyed hopes they have for their lives, due to its dozens of grammar mistakes.

Grading 2

2006-04-08T12:35:00.000-04:00

Notes from grading the Regent's Exam #2: It is amazing how many people think repeating received knowledge qualifies as proof.

Grading 1

2006-04-08T12:33:00.000-04:00

Notes from grading the Georgia Regent's Exam #1: Never include the words "In today's society" in your paper under any circumstances.

Random Internet Weird #2

2006-03-26T04:44:00.000-05:00

Tetris: The Obsessive-Compulsive Syndrome Sufferer

Random Internet Phrase of the Moment

2006-01-29T16:05:00.000-05:00

"Toot Toot Sonic Warrior"

Wow, I can see them!

2005-12-11T21:20:00.000-05:00

Is Compuserve's installer patronizing me?

3SD Book Club #18

2005-12-09T03:52:00.000-05:00

Chapter One: Your Parents, The Ocean, and the Awesome Might of Great Cthulhu

Marvel's Not Worried

2005-12-08T05:53:00.000-05:00

I am the superhero Withering Sarcasm Man, and my powers come from a combination of too much stress and tremendous lack of sleep!

Quality: Lowest

2005-11-18T07:30:00.000-05:00

If you're wondering how bad my eyesight is, try this experiment: open Photoshop, load a picture of anyone you want, then save it with the highest possible compession ratio, and that'll give you something of the idea.

Found in the Software Shop

2005-11-06T17:34:00.000-05:00

Break the law*

* Please do not break the law.

Recovering Christian

2005-11-06T17:32:00.000-05:00

There's got to be more people out there who have just gotten fed the hell up with the loudmouths, the constant proselytization, the mindless acceptance, the medieval worldview, the interminable weekly repetitions of doctrine to the point of either sleep or brainwashing, and the fairy tales about vast cultural forces out to smush them in order to create that air of perceived persecution that enables them to treat even the smallest cultural slight as some facet of a hideous demonic threat to them and their beloved meme; where can I find a support group to aid people in overcoming that?

Error: 9 Hit Dice

2005-09-26T18:17:00.000-04:00

Reading Spenser's Faerie Queene puts me most to mind of E. Gary Gygax, had he been a Protestant author of epic poetry.

Mario Funeral Dirge

2005-09-26T02:02:00.000-04:00

Next generation video game systems possess such awesome power that they can simulate every aspect of reality, enough so that they may even achieve sentience on their own -- but not both at once, resulting in murder every time you put in Final Fantasy Tactics X2 Advent Mystic Quest.

Rapper Camp

2005-09-26T01:13:00.000-04:00

We're proud to announce a merger between L. L. Bean and LL Cool J to produce the one stop for all your urban outdoor outfitting needs: LL Bean J!

The Rule of Debate

2005-09-09T01:22:00.000-04:00

Your Arguing Licence should be revoked immediately if you purposely argue without the possibility of losing; if you argue for the sake of advancing a view instead of an honest search for the truth then you are not a person, just someone else's bullhorn.

In Other News

2005-09-08T21:14:00.000-04:00

A groundbreaking treaty was worked out today ending centuries of bitter relations, paving the way at last for true friendship between the robots and the fairies.

Class Struggle

2005-08-26T19:34:00.000-04:00

I got the whole class extra recess time today when, after the asked what do you get when you put twelve dollars and eighteen dollars together, I replied with, "More money than you're making for teaching this class period."

Amended Saying

2005-08-26T19:32:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, if you're supported by skilled animal handlers, or you have a good firearm, or you take it by surprise, you eat the bear, but usually the bear eats you.

Ben & Jerry's Number Two Flavor

2005-08-26T19:30:00.000-04:00

The genie looked at me mighty strange when I wished to be able to crap ice cream.

Meow

2005-08-26T19:27:00.000-04:00

I slammed on the breaks as hard as I could, the cat frozen in my headlights... but when I went back, with tremendous dread, to see what happened, there was nothing, nothing at all, and I shall always wonder....

Red as in Pink

2005-08-26T19:25:00.000-04:00

I have to say that, at the time, I didn't know the hooker was a member of the Communist Party.

Pop Culture Mishmash #1: Browser Monster Satmorn Sing-A-Long

2005-08-08T04:01:00.000-04:00

Up from the depths (da-da-duh),
eleven MB’s high (da-da-daah),
with thunder... fire... (da-da-daah)
he stands in the sky --
Mozilla! (da, da-da-dah)
Mozilla! (da, da-da-dah)
Mozilla! (da, da-da-dah):
and Mo-zuuuuuu-kiiiii....

Joke Koan 4

2005-08-05T00:49:00.000-04:00

I got the box marked "kitten formula," from the store and followed the directions, and while it was okay, Coke’s got nothing to worry about.

Joke Koan 3

2005-08-05T00:48:00.000-04:00

I got the box marked "kitten formula," from the store and followed the directions, but it turns out they didn’t include enough carbon.

Joke Koan 2

2005-08-05T00:47:00.000-04:00

I got the box marked "kitten formula," from the store and followed the directions, but I have to say that my boa constrictor was not fooled.

Joke Koan 1

2005-08-05T00:41:00.000-04:00

I got the box marked "kitten formula," from the store and followed the directions, but: all I got out of it was some milk crap!

Planetivore Wardrobe

2005-08-02T08:32:00.000-04:00

Who makes Galactus' clothes?

Great Leaders

2005-08-01T07:35:00.000-04:00

Charisma is best defined as those qualities in a person which most readily piss me off.

I'm Special

2005-04-21T17:20:00.000-04:00

I feel much more capable of functioning in the world, now that I'm wearing my Jughead crown.

Maclesson #1

2005-04-15T10:12:00.000-04:00

The first thing I took away from Macbeth: beware, beware, when scotsmen speak in verse.

"That's God!"

2005-04-11T04:05:00.000-04:00

It was true that the evangelist had said Jesus would speak to me personally, but he hadn't mentioned his wide repertoire of catchphrases.

Null Medicine

2005-04-11T04:03:00.000-04:00

I began to suspect I had been proscribed a placebo when, upon remarking to the pharmacist about the taste of my pills, he offered them in "Rippin' Raspberry."

Love Tough

2005-04-10T21:27:00.000-04:00

I always took away the wrong lesson when I was a kid; the responsibility my father tried in instill in me always turned to neurosis by the time it lodged in my psyche.

Critical Axiom

2005-04-10T21:26:00.000-04:00

Those who can, write; those who cannot, write reviews.

Noodling

2005-04-09T13:06:00.000-04:00

While I had always claimed that I loved her, in fact I was just using her; using her, for access to her never-ending spool of linguini.

Reboot

2005-03-25T17:30:00.000-05:00

My boss came into my office last week, with a dramatic gesture flung all my projects to the floor, and with that crazy smile of his shouted "Blogging!", so I looked into all the major blogging software, investigated the best hosting services, checked up on the most popular topics, came up with an interesting angle on blogs, and this morning was just about to get started, but then my boss came in, flung the blogging stuff of my desk, and shouted "Podcasting!"

Breeeep whzzzt

2005-03-21T10:20:00.000-05:00

I got a little spooked, speaking as one pursuing a M.A., when I noticed that the acronym for our College of Graduate Students is "COGS."

Explained

2005-03-16T20:05:00.000-05:00

Oh, it exploded last week, when I was milking it.

Crimson Cover

2005-03-16T20:00:00.000-05:00

So I said to the guys, "It's my toenail dammit, I should very well know how it got like it is, but yet I still can't seem to account for the fetching red nail polish."

Warning Label #12

2005-02-27T03:35:00.000-05:00

The back of the bag of candy hosted a warning, in small, black, block letters, that read: "Allergy Information: manufactured on equipment that also processes arsenic."

Rockfried

2005-02-27T03:32:00.000-05:00

And as I dreamed last night, I watched and listened in horror as the body and voice of Chris Rock merged seemlessly with those of Gilbert Gotfried, the worst part being that it was so plausible.

Advice Request

2005-01-15T13:42:00.000-05:00

Real quick: does anyone reading this know how to seal cracks in the cooling tower of a nuclear reactor?

Speciality Periodicals

2005-01-15T12:55:00.000-05:00

They all subscribed to magazines attuned to their interests, hobbies that the others could never understand -- Randall got Home Gardener, Jeremy received Recreational Motor Monthly, and Farrell was paid up for two years of Irish Hating Digest.

Jonny Chimera

2005-01-15T12:52:00.000-05:00

New for your convenience: We've surveyed the fecal odors of a hundred different mythological beings, and formulated special air fresheners for masking each of them.

Tenure Track

2005-01-06T08:04:00.000-05:00

In the old days, before technology, before nations, before civilization, what did English professors do all day long?

Crank Yanked

2004-12-04T10:23:00.000-05:00

God seems to be listening to me: just yesterday I was asking myself if there was any possible way our culture could derive even more monetary value out of the pain and misery of mankind, then I turned on the TV and lo, it was Crank Yankers.

Mathematical Reduction

2004-12-02T16:19:00.000-05:00

Beware, my son, of the dangerous tendency to apply the greater-than sign to things other than linear quantites.

Demigod Decathlon

2004-12-02T16:14:00.000-05:00

In a surprise victory that confused both bookies and televangelists alike, the favorite from Kenya won the Gold in the 100 meter dash today, handily beating out the second-place finisher, Jesus Christ of Galilee.

Interruption Apology

2004-11-02T02:30:00.000-05:00

November 1st was the first day of Nanowrimo, and so updates may be slow for a while.

Comic Debate

2004-10-30T01:14:00.000-04:00

How many angels could dance on Zippy the Pinhead?

Cry Havoc

2004-10-28T22:34:00.000-04:00

"We depend on the good will of our customers!" is not an effective battle-cry.

Tender Vittles

2004-10-27T22:09:00.000-04:00

I think I've discovered a causal relationship between my cat's eating habits and the stock market, and I'm sure my editor will be thrilled to learn the details.

Electoral Decision

2004-10-27T21:37:00.000-04:00

If I vote for Bush, and then Kerry wins, I'll feel like a loser, and if I vote for Kerry, and Bush wins, then I'll feel like a loser; so instead I'll vote for Nader or Badnarik, who have no chance of winning, because that way I don't get my hopes up.

Promotion Chime

2004-10-27T16:59:00.000-04:00

Every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings; so if fifty people hear one bell do fifty angels get wings or just one, and what's to stop angels from ringing bells on purpose in order to promote their friends?

Taste accounting

2004-10-27T16:06:00.000-04:00

When I asked the chef about what it was that gave their hamburger that special, unique flavor, he blushed, looked away and said modestly, "horseradish sauce," but when I asked him about the reason behind the diner's poor business of late and why all the regulars had abandoned the place, he blushed, looked at the floor, and said, embarrassed, "horseradish sauce."

Losers weepers

2004-10-26T07:33:00.000-04:00

If I retrace my steps it's obvious I had to have left it in one of these places: today I strolled down Sixth Avenue, stopped at the coffee shop for five minutes, continued along Richards Street, filled out a membership application at the rental place, went next door and browsed the thrift shop, then walked home... who would have thought it'd be so easy to misplace a baby carriage?

Porcine thanks

2004-10-25T04:14:00.000-04:00

As he dumped the warm bucket of slop steaming into the trough, the pigs regarded him with an oddly intelligent expression of thanks before they dove into the food, an expression the farmhand failed to notice because, after all, they are just pigs.

Dammit #72

2004-10-22T02:51:00.000-04:00

I called the theft hotline number on the back of the credit card a customer left at the store, and someone with a thick accent asked me for my card number, my name, and the name of my bank, then thanked me for my time and hung up; it was then I realized they had just cancelled MY card.

Controversial theology

2004-10-21T05:51:00.000-04:00

Controversial theology:

Big score

2004-10-19T20:53:00.000-04:00

Hey baby, why don't you come over to my place and see my world record score at Defender?

Divine reassurance

2004-10-19T20:52:00.000-04:00

All around me were a hundred people screaming "Praise the Lord," but all I could think was, "God must have some serious self-esteem issues."

Commercial cult

2004-10-18T19:18:00.000-04:00

I didn't know that group membership meant handing over all my assets, living in a bunk in crowded barracks with a hundred other members, committing terrorist acts, and eventual martyrdom when I spoke with their friendly recruitment agent at the mall.

Time passers

2004-10-18T07:19:00.000-04:00

Even temper

2004-10-17T16:33:00.000-04:00

This is about the time, every evening, when the people who sit behind me begin cursing each other out in calm, conversational tones.

Level 17

2004-10-17T04:02:00.000-04:00

I don't have to be just a nobody in real life; I can play Everquest and have a precise, numerical measurement of how much of a nobody I am.

Griffy

2004-10-17T04:01:00.000-04:00

Every day, in every way, I relate to Zippy the Pinhead more than my father.

Scary noises

2004-10-15T22:23:00.000-04:00

A sampling of frightening words to overhear through the closed door of the board room: "I'm jumping ship," "They'll never find out," "Let's do it on this table," and, last but not least, "Yahtzee!"

Alimentary road

2004-10-15T22:05:00.000-04:00

Judging from the passage of those moving vans, Highway 303 is the esophagus of this town, and Highway 80 is its colon.

Crainal obstruction

2004-10-14T17:32:00.000-04:00

I silently curse my former friend each time I set off the metal detector at the airport, and must explain anew to them the bullet left lodged, immovable, in my brain.

Bears nothing

2004-10-14T03:33:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you eat the giant, green slobbering monster, and sometimes the giant, green slobbering monster eats you.

Farewell superstar

2004-10-14T03:31:00.000-04:00

So much tragedy... what is Congress doing to support research into halting the senseless deaths of so many of our celebrities?

Vehicular godslaughter

2004-10-13T21:34:00.000-04:00

True: I've seen a guy with Christmas lights in the shape of a cross in the grill of his 18-wheeler, presumably to make me think he hit Jesus.

Dark tower

2004-10-13T17:52:00.000-04:00

In the world's twilight, ages past man's decline, when the dying husk of the sun shone red across the Earth the dark citadel cast all in its grim shadow: Proctor & Gamble!

Fashionable covering

2004-10-12T17:59:00.000-04:00

The world's just not the same since capes went out of style.

Shrewd investor

2004-10-12T17:58:00.000-04:00

I didn't buy into UltraSlick Corp. before they hit it big, but I won't get caught again -- 100 shares of CommodeBound Inc. for me please!

Color blindness

2004-10-11T21:28:00.000-04:00

As your cat, it's my duty to inform you that I can see only two colors: Friend-color and Food-color, and you're kind of flickering between them.

Alarm bells

2004-10-11T21:27:00.000-04:00

I'm at my most creative when I'm almost dead from lack of sleep, so tomorrow morning I'm off to the store to buy an airhorn and a jerky friend!

Mentos chorus

2004-10-11T04:45:00.000-04:00

I'm mighty disappointed in this roll of Mentos -- but the people in the commercial sang "Mentos fresh and full of life!" with such feeling!

Kirby life

2004-10-10T19:03:00.000-04:00

When did my life become a comic book, and why isn't it drawn by Jack Kirby?

Y.M.C.A.

2004-10-10T18:20:00.000-04:00

Today, a homophobic friend of mine asked a gay friend, "I heard that inside your brain is an endless loop of Village People songs, what is that like?"

Goofy's wild

2004-10-10T05:36:00.000-04:00

We played high-stakes, tournament-level seven-card stud with a deck that had Disney characters for the face cards.

Hamburger aroma

2004-10-09T17:33:00.000-04:00

True: a day after I eat at Burger King, the bathroom always smells flame-broiled.

Keyword mania

2004-10-09T17:23:00.000-04:00

I admit that I joined Google AdSense mostly to see what kind of ads this blog would generate.

Hot socket

2004-10-09T05:39:00.000-04:00

It's very accomodating of my computer to have so many USB ports, so should I feel bad about not having any USB devices to insert?

Uncanny marketing

2004-10-09T01:47:00.000-04:00

I got spooked when, after blowing up my cell phone in frustration, two seconds later a smiling lady from Verizon was at my door with a replacement.

Scholastic profit

2004-10-08T17:12:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry but no, I don't believe public high schools particularly need a business model.

K.I.S.S.

2004-10-07T04:50:00.000-04:00

The great thing about this format is, I can seem witty and brilliant in one sentence, but the more I say, the more evident it is that isn't true.

Handicap accessable

2004-10-07T01:46:00.000-04:00

You may think it's a lot of fun to have wings, but take it from me: they make revolving doors a bitch.

My apologies

2004-10-07T01:44:00.000-04:00

Once the hood was off, the wolf began to wish he'd never caught Little Red.

Hot pursuit

2004-10-07T01:02:00.000-04:00

I'm upset because, when I hit that ramp in my car at 70 mph, it got totaled even though I got that horn that plays the first few bars of "Dixie."

Our credo

2004-10-06T23:55:00.000-04:00

It's a cunning juxtaposition of disparate elements!